Prose - My Children Provide Meaning to My Life
64
It’s just a feeling I have
About the weight you carry
Is life worth living my children?
As I watch you grow
I wonder if you are waiting
For life to show itself
I fear for my cynicism
Because other than you
Life means nothing to me
I wonder how you cope
With meaninglessness
Inside your existence
I’m not able to discern
Good from bad
Or want from need
I find happiness
In honesty
And nothing else
I see your disappointments
And they become my own
Because I have none
A shrugging Nihilism
Protects my fragile heart
But trivializes all that I do
Instead I look to you
For the needed desire
To awaken to drudgery
This is not your burden
Because it is unspoken
But it is no less true
I have experienced much joy
In my own accomplishments
And in the approval of others
Yet I have found myself alone
With memories that linger
But the moments are gone
As selfishness envelops me
I see your approval
And your love
I have no judgments
No admonishments
Only inner pride
In our bond
In defiance
Of human weakness
Together we learn
To shelter ourselves
From attacks of the ego
Together we learn
To gain strength
From each other
As you look to me for help
I look to you
For purpose
And in your need for me
I find a life worth living
Unlike any other
For twenty years
Of hedonism
And vice
Have served no purpose
Other than to destroy
My own worth
And what can I offer
Other than my approval
And support to you
My beautiful children
Who I pray will live
A life of meaning
So their Father
Can know
Of his own
CommentsLoading...
@Nellieanna - Hi! I'm glad you commented. Yeah... it sounds bad I guess but for now I feel so bored with life. Maybe something will happen. I've experienced quite a few things over the years that brought on deep feeling and euphoria. I've had to tone myself down and maybe I'm in a free fall not knowing where I will land. Not in a self-destructive sort of way but in a more controlled and philosophical way... I spend so much time in thought that maybe I just need a break....
I'm good at culling out the bad. I like concentrating on the good. Maybe this hub is a bridge to a break; you could use one--a break in thought, feelings, fear, whatever. And I love the pic!! Read the byline, but that doesn't tell me if we're getting a great glimpse! Hang in there, SP. Say what you want the way you want. It'll work.
Mark, I'm acquainted with the feeling of 'free fall' - quite intimately. During one year of my life, I experienced it on more than one occasion. Then another feeling seeped in rather than the 'bottom out' hopeless feeling of free fall. It was similar.
I still felt at loose ends and without certainty or direction, but after it occurred a couple of times without a terrible outcome, - in fact, it seemed to be a predecessor to a sense of clarity where there had been none. - I gave it a new name! I called it my "fertile flux'! After that, whenever it began, I had a more comfortable, confident feeling about it! I sort of just thought, "OH, - it's one of those! Those fertile fluxes!" And even more quickly, the fertility began to overshadow the flux and I got peeks at what was in store for me in the mist. Also I realized that if I'd known where I'd land - or tried to determine it myself, I'd have missed the really better landing that was in store for me. That was about 40 years ago and I still treasure those moments of fertile flux when they happen, though less often now that life has become more manageable.
So -- . . . take a break and don't feel badly about needing to.
Wonderful and thank you for sharing.
Take care
Eddy.
I loved it! My children and my grandchildren give my life meaning, also.
@Teylina - Thank you again for commenting and for you concern. The holidays are helping somewhat but at the same time I find myself fighting off the feeling that others are having the Norman Rockwell moment. The thing is I've had all that and it was wonderful. I'm doing fine.
@Nellieana - My dear you continue to show your love and feeling towards my thoughts. I truly enjoy hearing your encouragement. I want to be a snowflake like you; but I'm kind of a macho cynical guy so you get something different from me. I'm pretty tough on the inside because even though I write in a somewhat despondent manner at times it is in fact helping me in my day to day life as I seem to be doing very well in my career. Better than ever in fact. I think the release here on Hubpages is making me more philosophical in my "walking around life." I also can feel the sophistication of thought in conversation that I am gaining due to the comments I receive here. The deep thinkers of Hubpages are rubbing off on me.... "Fertile Flux" Well Nellieanna, there is your new hub if you haven't already written it up. That sounds really good too because it's embracing a change and looking forward to the growth. It's like being a field that is plowed for the new crop. The plowing may not be fun but you know it will bear fruit.
@Eidwwen - Thank you again. Your praise is much appreciated.
@janiek13 - Then you are very blessed. Thank you!
Nellieanna Level 8 Commenter 5 months ago
Excruciatingly sad, Mark, but beautiful in its own way.
Hugs. . .